In a hilarious piece on The Toast, writer Jen Cordery crafted her version of what someone might find in the Victoria’s Secret Employee Handbook based, seemingly, on what the average woman is confronted with when she walks into any one of these stores. Jen’s brilliant quips had us laughing uncontrollably, yet utterly terrified since her creative embellishments are not actually that far off from reality.

BRAS. While the ideal Victoria’s Secret customer is a B- or C-cup, we do cater to those less fortunate. For small-chested women, we have a range of bras enhanced with six inches of foam padding or one liter of gel filling in order to achieve a presentable appearance.

VstringPANTIES. A size XS was modeled on the derriere of a capuchin monkey; they go up from there. Though the amount of material varies wildly among styles and sizes – an XS V-String is basically a rubber band and a fabric Dorito, while an XL Brief could double as a baby sling – the prices are the same across the board.

ART. In every store, hundreds of retouched, airbrushed, black & white, candlelit photographs of Victoria’s Secret “Angels” are mounted at eye-level. Once ushered into a fitting room, the customer will encounter a 16×20, framed print of supermodel Adriana Lima’s flawless posterior, directly to the left of the mirror.

LIGHTING. Similarly, the lighting in Victoria’s Secret fitting rooms is of the utmost importance. It must be dim enough to conceal any dust bunnies, wads of hair, or questionable stains on the carpet, yet strategically angled to illuminate the stomach, buttocks and thighs in a way that spotlights every mole, dimple, stretch mark, and spider vein.

Read Jen’s full excerpts on all of the above here and don’t miss what she writes about SALESPERSONS and CASHIERS.