I’d brought together all the elements that frequently prompt divorce, bankruptcy, the loss of the home and the destruction of a family. I completely fell apart. I could not go on. There was no way out, no hope. I’d ruined everything, Harold’s life, my life, our boys’ lives.
I don’t know how long I sat there that day. But I know that I hit rock bottom and it was only at that dark, lonely painful place was I willing to look inside myself and find where the real problem resided. Not in my husband, not in our failed business or in our miserable marriage.
For the first time I saw the magnitude of the mess I’d made. The ugliness of my greed and secret plans.
For the first time I saw the magnitude of the mess I’d made. The ugliness of my greed and secret plans. I saw how deceptive, deceitful and manipulative I’d been. I’d lied to have things my way. And I was certain that I’d all but destroyed my husband’s life. The enormity of that was almost more than I could bear.
As I began to deal honestly with my situation I made a new promise: I would stop my irrational spending and “debting,” I would do whatever it took to pay back whatever we owed. And when I said I was willing to do anything, I meant it more than I’d ever meant in my life. I asked God to help me change.
Somehow I went home that day. Nothing radical happened, we were still not speaking to one another. The pain of what we were going through was so enormous. But something was changing inside of me. And in a healing kind of way I began to take personal responsibility for the situation I’d created.
Without words and without any kind of announcement I made a decision to respect my husband and to begin to honor his position as leader of our family. I wanted more than anything to trust him wholly. I won’t say it was easy. This was so out of character for me to even consider giving up control. And I won’t say I was instantly successful, but little by little things began to change. One hour at a time, a day, a month and then year after year.