Offering “heaps of facts smothered in humor”, the folks from Cracked skewer nearly every absurd element of typical menstrual product commercials with this… their own brutally honest and brilliantly sarcastic ad, delivered by Roger Horton, arguably the greatest (and so well cast) period product pitchman ever. His Horton Family “vaginal blood soak ’em up sticks” and “blood absorbing diaper stickers” are not designed by a “female gynecologist”, but rather by him, a man women can “trust”, who’s got us covered – discreetly – as we’re “riding the crimson wave”.
Truth be told, Roger had us from go with ‘glorped’. “When you’re experiencing the effects of your monthly menstrual cycle does blood come out of your vagina at the most inconvenient times? Are you tired of ruining your best clothes? Does the idea of playing sports or even just standing up and feeling like a jelly fish glorped out of you make you nervous?” We don’t even know if we’ve spelled it correctly, but how perfectly descriptive is that word?!
From there, Roger’s sincere and jovial pitch sarcastically flows between the actual facts – menstrual cycle basics, what most tampons are made of (synthetic fibers, wood pulp, chlorine dioxide), Toxic Shock Syndrome, and the good ol’ luxury tax, to the intentionally crafted fictions – menstrual blood is blue, periods come with their own upbeat soundtrack, menstruators all do yoga while menstruating, a good tampon can make us forget about all the pain, nausea, cramping, headaches, etc. that come with the bleeding.
“Everyone, everywhere agrees that your menstruation is too disturbing and shouldn’t really be discussed… and men could be watching this and we don’t want to ‘ick’ them out.”
So why the need to lie in a commercial about a natural and normal bodily function? Well, as Roger so caringly mansplains, “Everyone, everywhere agrees that your menstruation is too disturbing and shouldn’t really be discussed.” He adds, “and men could be watching this and we don’t want to ‘ick’ them out.”
While his focus is on tampons, Roger wants women to know that the Horton Family is also looking out for anyone who doesn’t want to “shove a potentially poisonous blood rag” into her “hoo-ha”. That’s why his line of products also offers new “blood absorbing diaper stickers”, which allow a menstruating woman “the luxury of just sitting in a pool of room temperature liquid all day”. Sounds delightful!
Each and every well-crafted line of this ad beautifully mocks all the empty promises, carefree facades, and blue-stained bullshit real menstrual product brands are peddling to women. But we gals know what it’s really like to “defrost the steak” and clearly, so does Roger Horton. That’s why we cannot love him or this commercial enough.